I hid behind my camera, but I was seen
I could hardly believe it when I read her words,
“Jessica, we’d love to have you as a volunteer photographer at the Tribe Conference.”
Really??? I was going to Tennessee! This would be my first conference ever!
It felt great knowing I would get to photograph this event. But I was so nervous that I would mess something up, or that I wouldn’t get all the shots I needed.
I kept telling myself, “As long as I’m not the only photographer, I’ll be okay.” That would have been too much pressure.
And then I found out, I was the only one!
Let the stress begin.
How will I capture everything? There are over 200 people in this Conference!
Of course some will take photos with their phones, but I was the “official photographer” — the one with the big, flashy Nikon in my hands.
But I did it. I went to this Writer’s Conference as the main photographer, and I learned a lot. Mostly about myself.
I went though a flood of emotions. And oh, did this experience stretch me.
What were my struggles? How did I work through them?
Being up front
To get the best shots, I have to be in the right place. And at an event, sometimes that means standing in front of everyone. An introvert’s nightmare. -At least for many introverts.
Every time a new speaker appeared, I’d tip toe my way up to the front, and I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. So I had to keep telling myself, “No one is looking at you, Jess, they’re looking at the speaker.”
The trouble is I didn’t believe me.
It was easier to stay on my knees taking the photos, where people didn’t notice me as much. But as soon as I stood up to get a different angle, I felt as like I was in plain sight.
After I took several shots of the speaker, I’d scamper away so I wouldn’t have to see the 500 eyeballs looking in my direction.
I wished I could be the invisible photographer.
Closeups
I like taking candid shots. I loved watching the audience laugh at this conference, seeing people enjoy themselves. I knew the closer I could get to the subject, the better the picture would be. Sometimes I was lucky to find an empty chair where I’d slip in for a few close-ups.
But while I loved getting those shots, I found it was hard for me to be that close to people with my camera. I felt like I was intruding on their space. I kept wishing I had a zoom lens.
And because there was low light, sometimes I’d cringe when I had to use flash, afraid I was totally disturbing them. But I also didn’t want to lose that great expression I was trying to capture.
“I feel like I’m bothering them,” I said to my mom later. “Who wants someone taking their picture while they’re trying to listen to a speaker?”
“You’re not bothering them, they’re expecting you to photograph at an event like this.”
In the ladies room, a woman told me, “Oh, I just love watching you photograph everyone.”
I smiled. But inside I thought, What? She saw me? Does everyone see me?
By the last day, I finally got used to it. I convinced myself someone may notice me, but the picture will make it worth it.
Scopophobia?
Since childhood, I’ve had a fear of being watched, and especially of being center of attention. And the other day I found out there’s a name for it, thanks to google. I have “Scopophobia.”
My fear, or anxiety, is not necessarily of only one person watching me, but a large group. And I remember when I had to give a speech in speech class, how excruciating it was. It’s a miracle I got an A in that class.
I’m hoping my phobia will just go away some day, like my acne did.
But until then… should I be in a situation like this again, help me God!
One of my worst fears
During our lunch break at the conference, it was time to take the group shot. A photo with every person who had written and published a book.
My heart raced as everyone got in place, holding their books. It was finally time. The picture they were all waiting for.
I looked down at my camera to adjust my settings. And then I froze.
A dead battery.
Of all moments this could happen, it’s happening NOW???
I had been so focused on taking pictures, I didn’t see that my battery was low!
A photographer’s biggest fear — feeling un-prepared, looking un-professional. And what made it worse was the fact that EVERYONE was waiting on me.
And my heart was about to jump out of my chest…
Thankfully, I had an extra battery charging in the other room. I did have some foresight.
I RAN out of the room, and grabbed the battery. With trembling hands, I took the photos, glad it was finally done.
And then I breathed.
Shake your booty
Although there were parts of the conference that were overwhelming, I finally realized I couldn’t catch every every single thing. I just needed to keep my eyes open for the right moments.
And then it happened. As the song “Can’t Stop The Feeling” started playing on the speakers, Jeff Goins told people to come on stage for a dance party!
Pretty soon, everyone in that room was on their feet, and some of my friends went on stage to bust a move.
I had so much fun taking photos of this. There was a warmth in that huge room, as we came together to dance. I think we all had a little sunshine in our pockets.
That was the highlight of the conference for me. Mostly because for those few moments, I became invisible.
I hid behind my camera, but I was seen. Funny thing though, I’m still alive.
What About You?
Are you an introvert like me?
Do you struggle with crowds?
Do you ever wish you could be invisible?
Share in the comments, I’d love to hear from you!
Writing is just one thing I do.
If I’m not behind my camera, I’m probably messing with charcoal or paint.
Join my email list to hear about my upcoming art shows and projects.
You’ll also get to see my 1-minute time lapse of this charcoal drawing below, Followed. You can also follow my art on Facebook and Instagram.
This article was originally published on The Ascent, Sept. 25, 2017.